Just Be Me

Sounds simple, doesn't it? "Just Be Me." Growing up in the shifting sands of those who drank, like the chameleon, I learned to change my colors to suit the sun. Or the moon. Or the many shadows in between. It's not the thing I want to talk about. I'm done with all that. Thanks to Al Anon, my spirituality, many friends, and a loving extended family. What I'm exploring now are the multi-faceted, rainbow colored, thousand lotus blossoms, intricate thought patterns, complex feelings and emotions that are me.
I wrote a poem in high school many years ago that asked simply "Who am I? Why am I here?.......whoever I am, when will I know.....why?" I've been questioning Life, God, Divine Meaning, Purpose, Universe, Choice, as long as I can remember. And I've found many good and true answers. Some can be proven; many cannot. Complex answers. Simple answers. I have a better understanding now than ever in my past, and yes, that includes past lives. I know. I've seen. I've experienced and I've remembered. Yet my quest continues for the rest of the journey to simply Know Myself.
I asked my 18 year old daughter just yesterday, "When you're my age, and you're telling your family about your Mom, what will you say?" She answered without hesitation,"That you were special, kind, so very loving and helpful to me, and you absolutely could not, no, not ever, make a decision." You know why? Because I don't know myself. Though I've healed many wounds of the past, too often I still stand on shifting sand as I waver between all possible choices of any decision. Maybe it's because I've finally learned something. Maybe I know more of me than I first thought. Looking back, I made hasty decisions too often and lived to see why they were hasty. I have physically moved everything I own, either by choice or circumstance, over 25 times. And that's just this lifetime! So now the new rule is, no more hasty decisions. Must deliberate. Must consider the consequences not only for me, but for my daughters, my co-workers, my boss, my family, my cats, my checkbook, and my Karma.
So this journey is just beginning, yet I might be stepping on the path somewhere in the middle. I may already know more than I once thought, and the goal today is not so much to learn something unknown, but to discover more of what I already know!